So I stopped at Walgreens on the way home. I ended up buying a bag of M'n'Ms and Lindor White Chocolate Truffles.
I was feeling quite sorry for myself because I had put off some homework during the long weekend, and then I had forgotten that I'd volunteered to do childcare at my work for a parent training night, assuming that I would have my homework done because of the long weekend. I did not want to go back to work. I was stuffing white chocolate truffles in my mouth one after another when I suddenly realized: I don't need this. I can have enough energy for the kids tonight without this. I can enjoy the kids tonight without this. I can stop this binge.
So I did.
As you can see, there were only two truffles left. But I opened the bag of M'nMs and poured them all into a bowl. I didn't eat even one (even though I kinda really wanted to!) The coke was still sealed.
And then....
I poured the coke down the drain without drinking any of it. Soda tends to give me diarrhea anyway.
I poured the candy in the trash can.
And because in the past I've proven that I'm not above "dumpster diving" under emotional duress, I took measures to make sure those candies were completely inedible.
Yes, that is cat poo.
And I ate what has been my 3x/day staple meal lately: brown basmati rice with corn tortilla chips (I buy oil-free corn tortillas and toast them, then brake into small "chips") and tofu-Taco sauce.
So after last night's personal victory you would think today would have been smooth sailing, right?
Not so much.
Expectation:
Actual:
I had 5 cookies today at work. Five. That is a lot of chocolate-chip cookies. Which were okay... but not brilliantly wonderful.
On Wednesdays I go directly from work to class. I often have a snack (bought or brought) but didn't today... I wasn't too hungry after those cookies! Anyway toward the end of class I was getting pretty hungry. I started thinking about dinner. I looked up the address for Veggie Grill and considered going there. When I got to my car I decided to put New Seasons in the GPS because I really wanted a Mountain Dew in a can, which is so hard to find (a single can anyway) and that is one place I know I can get it.
So I drove over to New Seasons intent on getting some food for dinner. Here were my thoughts:
Walking into the store:
Maybe I should just go home.
No, I'm hungry. I can eat something on the way home and then I won't have to fix dinner.
Besides, I already ate those chocolate-chip cookies today.
In front of the cold drink case:
One Mountain Dew or two?
Better grab two, one for tomorrow.
Actually in that case, I think I'll grab a coke, too.
Wandering the aisles looking for something for dinner:
I think what I really want is fresh bread (LIE: what I really wanted was a butter croissant)
Why aren't there any good breads ? (e.g., why aren't there any fresh croissants?)
I wonder what this sweet bread is. Holy cow, I'm not paying $7 for a loaf!
Oh look, mini croissants!
Crap, they're in a twelve pack.
Shoulder angel one: I don't want to eat that much.
Shoulder angel two: I would have in the past, though.
Shoulder angel one: I'm not really that committed to this binge.
Shoulder angel two: Do you hear yourself? Keyword: binge.
Okay, okay, lets look for something else.
In the frozen aisle:
Is Amy's only gluten-free or vegan too?
Ahhhh! Why does everything have to have dairy in it?!
I could just get some cheesy bread.
No! I already gave up cheese and I am not going back.
What about this butternut squash macaroni and cheese?
Looks promising....
What the heck! It has dairy-- whats the point of the squash then?!
Getting frustrated:
Why don't grocery stores just have stuff that's whole food plant based, vegan, oil-free and gluten-free?
Okay I'm asking why there isn't something ready-made for me because I don't want to make food for myself. I must be wanting to be nurtured right now.
Gah! Whats the point? I'll just grab something....
At the cash register, paying for kettle-corn popcorn (with salt, sugar and oil), 1 coke can, 2 mountain dew cans, 1 large tootsie roll:
This is ridiculous. Who comes to a health food store and buys only junk food?
I could turn around right now and say no-thanks.
I could push "no" on the debit card machine to cancel this transaction.
Walking out of the store:
Oh look, a trash can. I could dump this. I totally should.
Sitting in my car:
I could still walk back to the trash can and dump it.
But I am hungry.
Am I just emotionally hungry?
Well yeah, but I'm also actually hungry, I'm positive.
Gah!
Seriously, how am I ever going to lose the weight if I don't commit? If I keep eating this crap?
Well, theres always tomorrow. I already ate the cookies today anyway.
Its exactly that attitude that keeps me from committing and losing the weight. If I eat this now, its like saying it doesn't matter. I can't say tomorrow. I have to say "now"!
Fine. But I'm drinking the mountain dew first!
After taking 3 sips gulps of mountain dew:
Is it worth it?
You suck, inner voice!
And that's how I ended up littering in the New Seasons parking lot... I put the opened can of mountain dew, without finishing it, back in the bag, opened the car door and dropped it on the pavement and drove away before I could change my mind.
The post tile, Veganish Lately? We were working in small groups in class tonight and Jennifer, Katy and I were saying how hungry we were while Jessica was eating her dinner of spaghetti and meatballs. I said "Your food always smells really good even though I'm vegan lately... ish." Jennifer thought "Veganish Lately" sounded like a blog title. It made me think about my level of commitment. I am vegan...ish, lately. I don't eat anything with cheese anymore because I know that is a slippery slope, but I've done a lot of chocolate/candy/cookie/fudge things in the last month that surely contained cow's milk and/or egg. So am I vegan or not? Am I committed to WFPB lifestyle or not?
*Self-talk courtesy of the Shrink Yourself program for overcoming emotional eating. I'm only on week 2 so far but the inner dialogue is really kicking it up a notch and helping me to put actions to my words.
