Remember, Remember: a New Year's Resolution

Merry Christmas Eve!

Its been awhile-- over a month, it appears-- since I last posted. I haven't weighed in in a few weeks but at the last weigh-in I was down 21 lbs. However for the past several weeks I've been so close to going 100% full-time and yet I've consistently derailed myself and my progress with candy, soda, junk food... all that c.r.a.p. (calorie rich and processed) non-food.

Recently I've come to the realization that I absolutely cannot do this (by 'this' I mean eat 100% WFPB sustainably) by depending on myself. I need divine help. I need prayer. I have been praying...

1. to have junk food be unappealing and to not be tempted off-plan
2. to recognize the difference in how my body feels when I eat WFPB versus junk food.
3. to have a desire to stay 100% on-plan continuously

I'm pretty sure my prayers are being heard...

1. to have junk food be unappealing and to not be tempted off-plan:  When I pray with sincere intent and really mean it, I have been able to walk past all sorts of formerly tempting goodies in the break room at work and not look twice at them. The key is sincere intent. Sometimes I find myself praying half-heartedly because I know that the key to success is in prayer... but I also want 'just one more treat' before I fully commit.
2. to recognize the difference in how my body feels when I eat WFPB versus junk food: For the past week or so I've re-introduced dairy in the sneakiest way: Smartfood brand White Cheddar Popcorn which, if the name weren't enough evidence, on the back says "contains milk products." This stuff is soooo addicting! Even when the pleasure of the taste decreases over time I still find myself craving it. Over the past few days I've developed a debilitating headache each time I eat it. The headache will just clear up, I'll eat more of the popcorn, and it comes rushing back. While not scientific, this is enough of an association for me to believe the two are related. And whether its the dairy or other chemicals in this product bringing on the headaches, I can't help acknowledging and appreciating this answer to prayer. When I eat junk foods I feel momentarily carefree. I think that is in fact a large part of the draw-- the psychological feeling of being unburdened and carefree-- but my body feels icky. I feel bloated; I get diarrhea. I get headaches. I feel fat and lethargic. It begins subtly and builds but often by the time I'm in the full grip of the unwell feelings brought on by junk food, I'm also in the full grip of the pleasure trap with its self-promulgating cycle.
3. to have a desire to stay 100% on-plan continuously: this is a hard one. I couldn't pray with sincerity of heart to be 100% on plan because my heart wasn't there. I didn't desire to stay on plan as much as I (at least sometimes) desired to eat my favorite foods, to feel carefree, to reap the rewards without putting in the work. Yes I know that formula doesn't work but its still what I wanted. In Alma 32:27 my predicament is acknowledged when he writes "even if ye can no more than desire to believe" (that's how I feel-- I desire to want to be 100% on plan) and then he gives counsel on what to do: "let this desire work in you, even until ye believe."  So that's what I started to do: pray for a desire to eat and live 100% WFPB. And to my great surprise, that desire has already started to take root. I wrote my WFPB buddy Jane an e-mail the other day and I told her that I wanted to see myself in the future not even thinking twice about eating whole food, plant based meals; I wanted to just be doing it, like it was the most natural thing in the world and to already be past the point where my tastes have changed so that I am truly enjoying eating WFPB and deriving great pleasure from it. Incredibly, this tiny little, delicate seed has already started to take root and to sprout.

It is pretty incredible to me how quickly and surely the Lord does answer my prayers. And why wouldn't He? I am so in awe of one of the little gems that I had never before noticed when reading the Word of Wisdom, that Jane pointed out in her book Discovering the Word of Wisdom: In D&C 89:10 Heavenly Father tells us that plants are "ordained for the constitution, nature and use of man" and in verse 12 of the same section tells us that animal products are "ordained for the use of man." I'd never before paid attention to those two little descriptors that are different in regard to plants and animal foods: both are for our use, but only plants are ordained for our constitution and nature. Given the incredible packaging from color, size and shape to fiber, phyotchemicals, nutrients and water content that Heavenly Father created each of the many, many plant foods with...  somehow I seriously doubt that our modern processing improves on His design and so I'm going to go out on a limb here and infer that while corn was ordained for my nature, constitution and use, white cheddar popcorn was not.  The same could be said of strawberries, oranges, and cherries versus starburst, which come to think of it probably don't contain any actual fruit at all... just a chemical signature meant to replicate an artificial flavor.

So here is the rub: I want to eat 100% WFPB so I can shed the excess weight, resolve my health problems and most of all so that I can be unhindered in serving the Lord in every way while on this earth....  at least, I want all of that except when I don't. Except when I temporarily want to feel numb, escape an emotion, cope with stress, capture a feeling of carefreeness, treat myself, eat what everyone else is eating, etc.  Yes that is my problem: I want what is best for me, except when I don't.

And isn't that a recurring theme throughout the scriptures? How often do you think the admonition to "remember" occurs in the scriptures? Moreover, isn't one of the purposes of this mortal life on earth for us to choose good over evil of our own free will? And to do that don't we need to remember the things we've been taught? 

I've been pondering recently just how easily I forget the most important things in life. My friend Jane will often reply to an email of mine where I have become defensive in anticipation of being lectured by her for my failure to be 100% WFPB. But instead of the anticipated rebuke what I receive is a gentle but profound reminder:  "I love you. Did you forget?" I wonder just how often our Heavenly Father would say those same words to us, if only we could listen. Perhaps that is why He had his prophets record the admonition so many times to "Remember, remember."

I have a lot of moments where I think to myself "ugh, this, this right now, is why I need to go WFPB. I never want to feel like this again!" And then I forget.  In the moment when I have to decide between brown rice and vegetables or glazed donuts, brownies, fudge, assorted chocolates, candy apples, etc., in the moment when I'm hungry and I have to choose between picking up some junk food at the convenience store or driving home, preparing a meal and delaying gratification until its ready... I forget.

There is a period that many must go through when transitioning to a whole-food plant based diet of 60-90 days during which time the fat receptors in the brain deregulate and the taste buds change to enjoy whole, natural plant foods.  Right now I'm not too crazy about vegetables. There are a few that I like okay but none compares with chocolate or candy! I know that I am one of those people who needs to maintain 100% compliance for a long enough period of time for my fat receptors to deregulate and my tastes to change so that eating WFPB becomes in itself a pleasurable and self-reinforcing habit. That's 60-90 days of remembering and not forgetting.

Fortunately it doesn't have to be 60-90 days of making the decision over and over again. No, for that the Prophets have given us a tool.  I believe I first heard the idea in the context of a chastity talk in a past General Conference or maybe a devotional or fireside but it applies here just as well: make your decision once and then when temptation comes, you will already know where you stand.

So I'm making the decision. I'm going 100% WFPB...  for 2014. Oh, and also the last week of 2013. I figure getting a running start on this can only help! Tomorrow and Thursday and Friday.... this weekend and next week... in January and February and March when my tastes are changing... in July and August when the weather is so hot and sweaty... in October and November when there is Halloween candy and Thanksgiving treats, in December with all of the Christmas treats and all the months and holidays and occasions in between, I will know that I've already made my decision to go WFPB for one full year.  I'm focusing on compliance. I want to see what a full year of eating whole food plant based will do for my body and for my health: emotional, psychological, physical, spiritual.

This year I am not making a New Years resolution to lose weight. I am making a Near Years resolution to live the Word of Wisdom as far as I understand it to recommend a whole food plant based diet.

Love and blessings-
Duffy

"Veganish Lately"

Yesterday  afternoon I had a sudden urge for M'n'Ms on my way home from work. Which may or may not have been related to the fact that two days ago I pledged to begin my own 30-day challenge (being 100% compliant for 30 days) to see if I could get rid of my IBS-D.  I have issues.

So I stopped at Walgreens on the way home. I ended up buying a bag of M'n'Ms and Lindor White Chocolate Truffles.

I was feeling quite sorry for myself because I had put off some homework during the long weekend, and then I had forgotten that I'd volunteered to do childcare at my work for a parent training night, assuming that I would have my homework done because of the long weekend. I did not want to go back to work. I was stuffing white chocolate truffles in my mouth one after another when I suddenly realized:  I don't need this. I can have enough energy for the kids tonight without this. I can enjoy the kids tonight without this. I can stop this binge.

So I did.

As you can see, there were only two truffles left. But I opened the bag of M'nMs and poured them all into a bowl. I didn't eat even one (even though I kinda really wanted to!)  The coke was still sealed.

 

And then....

 

I poured the coke down the drain without drinking any of it. Soda tends to give me diarrhea anyway.

 

I poured the candy in the trash can.

 

And because in the past I've proven that I'm not above "dumpster diving" under emotional duress, I took measures to make sure those candies were completely inedible.

 

Yes, that is cat poo.

 

 

And I ate what has been my 3x/day staple meal lately:  brown basmati rice with corn tortilla chips (I buy oil-free corn tortillas and toast them, then brake into small "chips") and tofu-Taco sauce. 

 

So after last night's personal victory you would think today would have been smooth sailing, right?

 

Not so much.

 

Expectation:

 

Actual:

 

 

 

I had 5 cookies today at work. Five. That is a lot of chocolate-chip cookies. Which were okay... but not brilliantly wonderful.

 

On Wednesdays I go directly from work to class. I often have a snack (bought or brought) but didn't today... I wasn't too hungry after those cookies!  Anyway toward the end of class I was getting pretty hungry. I started thinking about dinner. I looked up the address for Veggie Grill and considered going there. When I got to my car I decided to put New Seasons in the GPS because I really wanted a Mountain Dew in a can, which is so hard to find (a single can anyway) and that is one place I know I can get it.

 

So I drove over to New Seasons intent on getting some food for dinner. Here were my thoughts:

 

Walking into the store:

Maybe I should just go home.

No, I'm hungry. I can eat something on the way home and then I won't have to fix dinner.

Besides, I already ate those chocolate-chip cookies today.

 

In front of the cold drink case:

One Mountain Dew or two?

Better grab two, one for tomorrow.

Actually in that case, I think I'll grab a coke, too.

 

Wandering the aisles looking for something for dinner:

I think what I really want is fresh bread (LIE: what I really wanted was a butter croissant)

Why aren't there any good breads ? (e.g., why aren't there any fresh croissants?)

I wonder what this sweet bread is. Holy cow, I'm not paying $7 for a loaf!

Oh look, mini croissants!

Crap, they're in a twelve pack.

   Shoulder angel one:  I don't want to eat that much.

   Shoulder angel two: I would have in the past, though. 

   Shoulder angel one: I'm not really that committed to this binge.

   Shoulder angel two: Do you hear yourself? Keyword: binge.

Okay, okay, lets look for something else.

 

In the frozen aisle:

Is Amy's only gluten-free or vegan too?

Ahhhh! Why does everything have to have dairy in it?!

I could just get some cheesy bread.

No! I already gave up cheese and I am not going back.

What about this butternut squash macaroni and cheese?

Looks promising....

What the heck! It has dairy-- whats the point of the squash then?!

 

Getting frustrated:

Why don't grocery stores just have stuff that's whole food plant based, vegan, oil-free and gluten-free?

Okay I'm asking why there isn't something ready-made for me because I don't want to make food for myself. I must be wanting to be nurtured right now.

Gah! Whats the point? I'll just grab something....

 

At the cash register, paying for kettle-corn popcorn (with salt, sugar and oil), 1 coke can, 2 mountain dew cans, 1 large tootsie roll:

This is ridiculous. Who comes to a health food store and buys only junk food?

I could turn around right now and say no-thanks.

I could push "no" on the debit card machine to cancel this transaction.

 

Walking out of the store:

Oh look, a trash can. I could dump this. I totally should.

 

Sitting in my car:

I could still walk back to the trash can and dump it.

But I am hungry.

Am I just emotionally hungry?

Well yeah, but I'm also actually hungry, I'm positive.

Gah!

Seriously, how am I ever going to lose the weight if I don't commit? If I keep eating this crap?

Well, theres always tomorrow. I already ate the cookies today anyway.

Its exactly that attitude that keeps me from committing and losing the weight. If I eat this now, its like saying it doesn't matter. I can't say tomorrow. I have to say "now"!

 

Fine. But I'm drinking the mountain dew first!

 

After taking 3 sips gulps of mountain dew:

Is it worth it?

You suck, inner voice!

 

And that's how I ended up littering in the New Seasons parking lot... I put the opened can of mountain dew, without finishing it, back in the bag, opened the car door and dropped it on the pavement and drove away before I could change my mind.

 

The post tile, Veganish Lately?  We were working in small groups in class tonight and Jennifer, Katy and I were saying how hungry we were while Jessica was eating her dinner of spaghetti and meatballs. I said "Your food always smells really good even though I'm vegan lately... ish."  Jennifer thought "Veganish Lately" sounded like a blog title. It made me think about my level of commitment. I am vegan...ish, lately. I don't eat anything with cheese anymore because I know that is a slippery slope, but I've done a lot of chocolate/candy/cookie/fudge things in the last month that surely contained cow's milk and/or egg. So am I vegan or not?  Am I committed to WFPB lifestyle or not?

 

*Self-talk courtesy of the Shrink Yourself program for overcoming emotional eating. I'm only on week 2 so far but the inner dialogue is really kicking it up a notch and helping me to put actions to my words.







Let's Talk Calorie Density

Let's talk calorie density.  But first, an explanation. I have a buddy. Her name is Jane Birch. You don't get to know my real name because I find courage to share my journey in the [illusory] veil of anonymity that is internet blogging.  Jane, on the other hand, is on her way to publishing a book on the Word of Wisdom and Whole Food, Plant Based eating with her real name and picture attached to it.

So now you know. Jane is my accountability buddy and I email her at least once a day about how well I've stayed on track. Sometimes I email her several times a day with completely unrelated details and rants and stories. She's very kind about this.  She also tends to send me slurries (is that a real word? It sounded better than flurries in my head) of emails about her awesome book. And sometimes she even takes my advice about it, which is pretty cool.

And then there are the times Jane calls me to repentance. Like when I said my goal was to do as many 100% days as I could "manage" this week.  She wrote back and told me I'm perfectly capable of managing it, I've just been choosing not to.  Ouch, right? But then she softened it with praise and compliments. If you're trying to lose weight, overcome a food addiction or reach any goal, or if you're struggling to maintain a WFPB diet, I highly recommend an accountability buddy. 

Anyway this post (my 2nd today, which is a new phenomenon) is a direct result of Jane's calling me to repentance. You're welcome.

Jane pointed out several things to me:

1. I have lost weight, not stayed the same or gone up; I should be happy about this.

2. I had my first-ever, fully conscious 100% day (I have to add the fully conscious qualifier because I did it once before consequent to falling asleep right after work).

3. Its probably for the best that I'm not experiencing great success in the weight-loss department at the moment since if I were, I wouldn't be as willing to let go of soda and nuts.

And here are my realizations:

1. I've actually lost 10 lbs in the space of 1 month. That's nothing to sneeze at.

2. I'm bummed out because my weight loss has been miniscule the past couple weeks when I've been expecting it to be much higher. A look at Jeff Novick's Calorie Density scale offers an explanation. I replaced fast food/junk food/cheese (calorie density 1000 to 2300 kcal/lb) with nuts (2800 kcal/lb)... and in the past couple weeks, not just a few nuts, but like enough nuts to fill me up and substitute for a meal. With the exception of the oil that was in the fast food (4,000 kcal/lb) and that's still in the honey roasted nuts I've been eating (4,000 kcal/lb), I went up in calorie density instead of down.

NO WONDER I haven't been losing as much/fast as I think I should be, given my starting weight. This chart is seriously awesome, folks.

If you're not familiar with Jeff's principles of calorie density, which make it possible to never, ever again have to count calories, fat grams, points, or anything else, see:

This article:
http://www.jeffnovick.com/RD/Articles/Entries/2012/5/20_A_Common_Sense_Approach_To_Sound_Nutrition.html

or purchase this incredible video:
http://www.jeffnovick.com/RD/Calorie_Density.html

or watch this short segment on YouTube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9gTLpTq1nQk

Scale Frustration

First, I did have 1, 100% day last week. But only one.

Second, here are my goals for the upcoming week:

1. As many 100% days as I can manage.*

2. Naked nuts only (not something I crave)

3. Practice "eat something healthy first"

*I didn't assign a specific number because I realized that last week, after I accomplished the number (1) I felt I had permission to not aim for 100% compliance the rest of the week. Silly mental games.

And third, I just wrote this e-mail to a friend and it seemed honest and poignant enough to copy and paste here since it is feeling like a defining moment in my journey and one I'll likely want to look back on in the future and remember how far I've come:

Last week's weight loss: 1.4lbs.

This week's weight loss: 0.8lbs.

If I was doing *everything* I was supposed to be doing, I would break down and cry right now and wonder what the point is. 

But since I haven't been- doing everything I'm supposed to that is- I'm going to redouble my efforts. Goodbye soda. (Now I might actually cry). Goodbye honey roasted nuts.

I did have intentions to try a carrot salad recipe that uses cashews in the sauce this week and I also finally bought some walnuts so I can make try the infamous walnut sauce. I'm not sure if the former is a good idea though. Maybe I'll just eat the carrots plain... when I was trying to do ETL a couple years back, I found any sauce containing cashews (like cheez sauce) seriously addicting and way over-ate it. I've been meaning to try a cauliflower-based cheez sauce instead and it surely won't measure up if I start eating cashew sauces again!

 I don't want to go 100% MWL right now because I don't feel strong enough and am afraid I'd fall off the wagon from a combination of food addiction + lack of veggie love.  I know its not the end of the world to not enjoy your food for a few weeks-- so you say. It just feels like it! ;-)

 I am stubbornly feeling right now that my sacrifices-- giving up fast food, candy, chocolate, cheese, chips, breads (other than Dave's which is oil-free) etc. should be equating with a significant weekly, if not daily, weight loss.  In fact if I examine my expectations, I guess I thought I should be losing at least 3lbs. a week.  I guess it doesn't work that way when I've still been filling up on nuts, so very high on the calorie density scale.

 Alright, the only thing I can really do at this point is decide whether I'm going forward or backward. There is no standing still. And I don't want to go backward. So I take the next step in cleaning up my diet this week, and if I shake my fist at the heavens a bit along the way, well, hopefully He'll understand and help me anyway.

 Just one more whiny-ish thought: It will never be fair that men lose fat so much easier/faster than women! Never!

I feel like her right now:

 

 

First Day at 100%

Woot!  Today, Sunday October 6th 2013, was my first day eating WFPB 100%.  I consider 100% on plan right now to be in compliance with the McDougall regular (not MWL) plan.

To be sure, I was craving both honey-roasted cashews and coke today. But I persevered (mostly because its Sunday and I hadn't bought either ahead of time). 

My goals for this week are:

1. At least one day of 100% compliance (check!)
2. Try at least one new recipe (check!)
3. Be mindful about eating dinner before nuts, so that they don't substitute for dinner

For goal #1, I decided to make a recipe from Susan Voisin's blog Fat Free Vegan.  I made her Creamy Vegan Broccoli and Rice Casserole:

 

Unfortunately, it didn't taste as good as I had hoped. Lest you be turned off to Susan's awesome recipes though, I attribute this to two factors:

 

1. My taste buds have not yet changed sufficiently that I thoroughly enjoy WFPB foods.

 

2. I don't know how to spice foods for flavor, and I regularly leave spices out if I don't have them on hand or don't think I'll like them.... in this case I omitted salt, pepper and smoked paprika.

 

 

I also had a Yamburger on Dave's Goodseed Killer Bread, with lettuce, tomato, pickle & mustard. And frozen grapes...



 

 

...for breakfast and for dinner.

 

And I had dried apricots. And water. And nothing else.

 

 

So my friends, this is a momentous occasion! My first day of 100% WFPB eating. I can do this. I got this! Yeah!

Addict

Hello, my name is Duffy and I'm a cheese addict. It has been 9 days since my last bite of cheese.

Unfortunately... I seem to have replaced the cheese addiction with this:

(Honey Roasted Cashews-- Salt, Sugar & Fat: the whole addiction triad!)

 

 

 

I've also been drinking a fair amount of this:

BUT, I have not had ANY of this:

(not actually a temptation for me)

Nor this:

(HUGE temptation, in terms of fast food and cheese sandwiches)

Nor this:

(HUGE temptation at every convenience store, grocery store and checkout counter!)

I have been 90-95% WFPB for over 1 week now.  I give myself a 90% when I have honey-roasted cashews and coke; a 95% when its just coke.

This week my goal is to have at least 2 days of 100% WFPB.  The good news is that I've dropped 8.6 pounds already.  The bad news is that I can easily eat a 1,350 calorie bag of honey-roasted cashews in a single sitting.

The good news however, is that if I swap those cashews out for foods lower on the calorie-density scale, I can eat a lot more volume and feel satisfied for less calories.

(Jeff Novick's calorie density scale)

 

 

Here's to another WFPB week; may it be in every way even better than the last!



Making Strides and The Magnetic Ox

I am making strides. So far, my pattern has looked like this:

B- on plan
L- on plan
D- off plan
  66% on plan.

Repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat....

Until one day I went:

B-on plan
L-off plan
D-back ON plan
  66% on plan.

This was a big deal since it meant overcoming my "all or nothing" mindset to get back on the wagon within the very same day as I'd succumbed to SAD temptations.

Then I discovered that I'd lost 3lbs, ran out of prepared WFPB food and started doing this:

B-off plan
L- off plan
D- on plan.
  33% on plan.

It was a pretty poor pattern.  My dinner-time redeeming grace has been my recently discovered Yamburger on Dave's Killer Bread with mustard, lettuce, tomato and dill pickle. Yum!  They're so good that I don't even miss the cheese which would normally be a central sandwich ingredient for me.

Earlier this week I had a slight sore throat. I've noticed over the past few years that a sore throat almost always precedes any type of illness for me, so I was on my guard... until I started eating honey-roasted cashews and Mountain Dew for breakfast, anyway.

Two days of Breakfast and Lunch off-plan, and I had a full-blown sinus infection.  Now I'm not saying that that there is a direct connection, but yeah... I blame the dairy.

(Jimmy John's Vegetarian Sandwich. See that white hunk of congealed, pus-infested bovine mammary gland excretion between the lettuce and tomato? That's the enemy).

 

 



I have been reading many stories of LDS people who have awakened to the Word of Wisdom. By and large it seems that these people were either humbled through a health crisis, had been searching for optimal nutrition due to an inborn yearning, or were simply open and receptive when the message was presented.

Their stories are inspiring! At the moment my favorite part is that so many have experienced improved health and greatly reduced illness.  Unlike in times of wellness, I am feeling keenly aware of how much I could use that blessing right now, in my illness! 

I've known about a WFPB diet for about three years now. In fact I checked my order history on Amazon: I placed my order for The China Study on November 26, 2010.  Although I have had the knowledge, I have not yet internalized it to a degree that it has spurred me to action, to change. Until now.

On August 26th I received a copy of Dr. Jane Birch's manuscript, soon to be published (Discovering the Word of Wisdom: Surprising Insights from a Whole Food, Plant-based Perspective) on the connection between a Whole Food Plant-Based diet and the Word of Wisdom. In her e-mail Jane wrote:

"I want them (readers) to feel my joy in discovering the Word of Wisdom and feel motivated to make better choices themselves."

I do feel her joy in discovering the Word of Wisdom, as well as that of so many of the people who have submitted their own stories for the book and website.  I'm also feeling motivated to make better choices myself.

I completely identified with this quote from Josh Weed in his blog post "Top 10 Thoughts I Have While I'm On a Diet" from April 23rd of this year: "On day two, looking in the mirror: "Wait, that can't be my body! I'm a skinny person now!"  In the past, dieting has been exactly that sort of experience: attempting to exercise self-control and willpower to a great enough extent that I could overcome my cravings long enough to lose weight... and then looking in the mirror for evidence that the results have been equivalent to the feeling of deprivation (they never are).

By contrast, when I eat WFPB meals (eh-hem, good-tasting WFPB meals) I feel, well, good on the inside. Its a very different feeling and in contrast to how my body and spirit feel after a SAD-attack binge. I think it is this, more than anything, that is keeping me motivated to continue to make changes. Who doesn't want to feel good?*

Anyway I wanted to share that yesterday I was 95% on plan (the best I've done so far)! I ate:
1 green smoothie
3 Yamburgers
frozen grapes
dried apricots
... and a Sprite and a Red Gatorade, for which I deducted 5%. I'm not an herbal tea drinker, I try to avoid fruit juice because of the caloric density, and so all that's left to me is water, which doesn't go down well at all on a scratchy sore throat. The Sprite and Gatorade are throwbacks to my childhood, I guess.

And today's near-victory: I give myself a 90%
So far I've eaten:
1 green smoothie
1 Yamburger
frozen grapes
... a Sprite and an explanation. As a Christian and a Mormon I try to keep the commandments, including keeping the Sabbath Day holy.  I am far from perfect in this. (Someday I will tell you about the most uncomfortable pair of Sunday-shoes I've ever owned. You will laugh, I promise).  Today the ox was in the mire.  I needed to pick up Ibuprofen and a probiotic (to counter the awesome effects of antibiotic use... including the "D" word) yesterday but completely forgot when I stopped at Walgreens after my visit to Urgent Care. By the time the pain... and bathroom visits... were out of control enough for me to regret this oversight, I felt too sick to drive. So I toughed it out.  Until today, when I felt miserable enough to still warrant the meds but well enough to drive. Like I said, the ox was in the mire.

It just happened to be a magnetically polarized ox, which caused a bag of honey-roasted cashews to jump from the shelf into my basket before I had any idea what had happened.  I might have known the nuts were polarized as I've felt their pull strongly before... but I blame the ox for the rest.

 

*I am cringing on the inside at my over-use of the word "good." However I just don't know how else to explain the feeling without waxing poetical and possibly hyperbolic. The feeling is ineffable not for its majesty but for its simplicity.

Where did my Mellow go?

Today kind of sucks. I have a headache. Its after 8 p.m. and I haven't taken my anti-depressants yet. I went to bed around 6 last night, I slept until 11a.m. and I'm currently drinking a coke. I'm tired, I've only gotten half of my homework done and I'm feeling gross, fat, sloppy and sorry for myself.

Today is not an uncommon experience for me, especially on weekends or extended breaks from school/work.

Last week I had noticed that during the day at work, I was feeling oddly mellow. I was chuckling a lot. Things were rolling off my shoulders and I wasn't feeling them. My ability to accommodate the needs of my fellow man felt expansive. At one point as I was walking past the rows of cubicles in our staff area, I paused and thought to myself how great it was that I was eating WFPB and feeling this way.

Now while some people may desire to feel "happy," I'm rather wary of any such pleasurable emotion. Because I find it draining. And it inevitably is followed by a steep decline. I've often spent time pondering whether it was better to feel happy or content. It may be that man (in the plural sense, including us women) exist so that we can experience joy... but if you've ever been severely, chronically depressed and if you've ever had episodes of mania or hypomania, if you've ever experienced TOO MUCH emotion, you might just consider "mellow" to be the ultimate mortal state of being.

(Click on image to view larger)

 

I was doing alright last week. I was staying on the WFPB path for breakfast and lunch. I was eating fast food for dinner its true, but I kept giving myself a "pass" on this. Just one more day... then I'll get all the way on board, and then I'll update my blog so I can share my success with a 100% day.

I did, in fact, have one 100% day.  It was the evening I came home and fell asleep immediately after work, thus skipping dinner.

I was feeling lighter inside (even though the scale certainly wasn't showing it) and since I'm in the habit of avoiding mirrors that show anything below the neck, well, it was easy to ignore reality and fool myself into thinking that 66% was good enough.

And then my lax attitude came back to bite me in the behind. First, I had a lunch "out".  Then I did it again the next day, and I skipped breakfast. Then today, I again skipped breakfast and had lunch and dinner "out." 

Did I mention that I feel muckfrumping grobbled?

I do not have any happy, good feelings right now. I want my mellow back. And I don't want to grocery shop or cook... or do laundry or sweep ever again. I also don't want to brush my teeth or shower, and I REALLY don't want greasy hair!!! And I feel like crying but I hate crying. I am being cantankerous. And crabby. And also tetchy.  Do you know what tetchy means? Me neither. Websters Online says it means "bad tempered and irritable."  That is pretty much how I'm feeling. THIS is what cheese does to me:

So now I am going to end this sad, pathetic, doleful, lamentable, pitiable, derisory, tragic... discourse.

Look for a more uplifting post soon (I will, too).

I need a hug.
Duffy

Checking In

I just have a few thoughts to share today. 

First, a report.

Yesterday (Wednesday 9-4-13): 66% on plan + blessings

I stayed on plan through breakfast and lunch yesterday.  Just eating my lunch, that I brought to work, is a big accomplishment for me. In the past I’ve frequently gotten derailed by lunch time. I felt like eating what I had brought (WFPB) was a punishment or something to slog through. Without considering the promises in the Word of Wisdom, and approaching it strictly from a medical science standpoint, I did not feel that there were any immediate rewards this way of eating. And since it wasn't as pleasurable as eating SAD, well, I consistently gave in to my baser instincts and then felt down on myself for doing so. I wanted to achieve weight loss… but that would take so long anyway that wouldn’t “tomorrow” be as a good a day as “today” to really commit? And so my reasoning would go and I’d pick up fast food for lunch.

I’m working at a different building this school year, and I mostly stay at the building all day. This is a HUGE change for me because I used to travel a 5-county area. I set my own schedule and could come and go from my office as I deemed appropriate, making eating out much easier.

I had prepared a Mochi (pronounced moh-chee) crispy waffle as a snack to have during the drive between work and school, knowing that I wouldn’t get out of class until 7p.m. Mochi is a bit high on the calorie density scale as it is made of extruded rice… but its fibrous, chewy, and feels substantial.

The first thing that greeted me at class was my friend Bonnie, who had prepared a 7-layer bar treat for everyone. She had made these for our cohort over the summer and I remembered well the incredible, pleasurable assault on my taste buds. It was like a 5-alarm fire, except instead of ashes and coal all ablaze it was confetti and party poppers and balloons and happiness. It was too rich to eat more than a nibble at a time. And it left me majorly jonesing for more and more and evermore sweets.

Interestingly, instead of feeling glad that Bonnie had brought her bars again, I found myself searching for the wherewithal to withstand temptation. I found it in the ingredient list. Bonnie had taken pains to make the bars gluten-free and mostly dairy-free to accommodate classmates’ food allergies, but she used butter in the crust.  From my baking days, I remember well the look and scent of melted butter. And I found it unexpectedly off-putting. Dare I even say, on a scale of ‘Yum! to Revolting,’ that it would have leaned farther toward the latter?

After class I searched my feelings, curious as to whether I would feel an increased need to have something off-plan, as compensation for passing up such a treat, which would have been a 99.9% likelihood in the past. I did not.

So you’d think that this would be the part of the retelling where I write that I drove straight home and had a dinner of ‘beans and greens’ (except not beans, actually, because then this would be a story of vomit).  Not so. I had run out of everything from my prep on Monday: no more sweet potatos for green smoothies. Only one more waffle, which was for the following day, and no more mashed potatoes. Plus, dinner on plan was uncharted territory. And I had to go shopping. And I couldn’t possibly do that without also getting a “treat” for my efforts, could I? (Said the voice of Habit).  So I picked up the few things I needed to re-stock at Whole Foods and then I picked up Jimmy Johns. And I did not enjoy it. Just sayin’.

Today (Thursday 9-5-13): 66% on plan + self-sabotage + blessings                                                                       

Today was about the same as yesterday. I didn’t have class and after work I checked in with myself in regard to my feelings. I even had a mochi waffle in my lunch bag, which I’d packed specifically because I knew that in the fabric of my day, the afternoon was the weakest part. Checking in, I found that I was not hungry. Not craving sweets. And didn’t crave JJ’s.

I was still pondering whether I was really going to go straight home and eat at home when I realized that I’d pulled out of the driveway of my office building and into the left-hand turn lane. Toward home. I’d already pointed myself toward home without coming to a firm conclusion. Was I comfortable with this?

The Voice of Habit and Anti-Change took advantage of the moment of self-doubt and moved my car into the right-hand turn lane, toward JJs. Traffic was awful. I kept thinking “I could turn around right now. I could go back home. I could do it. In fact I remember how I felt about butter yesterday and considering that cheese comes from the same source, why I would want to put that in my body either?”  And then The Voice replied “Sure you could go home now. Absolutely you could. You’re in charge now. But you don’t have to, of course. Its enough just to know you could. Don’t rush the changes. Tomorrow is soon enough. And as for that cheese bit, well, you never think about it when you’re eating it. Don’t worry about it. Tomorrow’s soon enough”

I’m afraid I listened to The Voice. And what’s more, I collaborated with The Voice. We decided to stop at a gas station and pick up a Butterfinger bar since we’d had one on Monday and it was surprisingly kind of tasty. We got two.

Let me just tell you: both Butterfinger bars? Like chewing flavored cardboard that’s been pulverized, re-injected with bulk and crunchified. Kind of flavorless. Kind of pointless.

Coke? The last three times I’ve drank it, its tasted either way too syrupy or like something I can’t describe but the closest I can get is black pepper (I harbor no ill will toward black pepper but I never add it to my food on purpose and I avoid it when possible… okay, maybe a little ill will. Many a vegetable has been ruined with the addition of black pepper. And don’t even get me started on mashed potatoes. Ruining the ultimate comfort food…. Yeah, you’re right, I admit it. Black pepper and I aren’t ever going to find our initials carved in the same heart). Anyway I figure once might be a fluke. Twice? A coincidence. But three times? Three times is a pattern. Apparently my body has decided to stop liking coke.

And the sandwich? Blah. Not exciting at all. Not disgusting, mind you, but not the tap-dancing, firework-popping, tastebud sensation it was at first.

My body...? Compared to how I felt after breakfast and lunch: a little on the icky side right now.

Now I want to make something clear: my tastebuds do not kick up their heels and dance for mashed potatoes and green beans. They enjoy peaches, green smoothies with sweet potato and kale, and oatmeal waffles. They don’t feel deprived at breakfast. But they’re also not craving broccoli, or collard wraps or stir fry (actually I like stir fry, I’m just hung up on how to sauce it so I haven’t attempted it recently).

It hasn’t been the 3 months that Dr. Esselstyn says is needed for the fat receptor to down-regulate.  Heck, it hasn’t even been 3 days. And I’ve still been eating SAD for dinner. So what gives?

I don’t know for sure but I have a two-part theory.

Part 1: Magical potatoes. I’ve struggled with the potato thing before. I want to love potatoes. I want to enjoy eating cold baked potatoes out of my hand like an apple. I embrace the idea of potatoes. But in reality, the only type of potatoes I’ve ever liked- not just tolerated but genuinely liked- in my SAD-eating life are mashed potatoes.

So I wizened up and made garlic & onion mashed yellow potatoes with soymilk and green beans. Its been pretty good.  And I think its re-setting my taste buds and killing my cravings. I would never have thought of this except that I’ve read many times on the McDougall forums where people have testified that whenever they get off track, all that is needed is a meal of potatoes for them to ‘re-set’ their taste buds and end the SAD cravings.

Magical Mashed Potatoes. Now there’s a way for Big Business to cash in on a healthy lifestyle. Especially if they add butter and salt! (Kidding).

Part 2: I’m thinking more and more about the Word of Wisdom, and the blessings that I want to call my own, which are real and ‘now’ in contrast to weight loss which takes time to manifest.  I should clarify that by ‘now’ I mean the blessings can begin now and grow as my obedience to the Word of Wisdom grows and in conjunction with natural laws… Given the amount of excess fat I’m carrying around, I don’t expect to be able to “run and not be weary” or even to run at all, right away. I could have a heart attack or stroke tomorrow. I’m not immune from the consequences of my actions up to now. But I can definitely have a much, much better tomorrow, and tomorrow after that, and tomorrow ever after as I learn and grow in this principle until someday (some day long, long into the future) I’m perfected in it.

Two days ago I posed several questions on my blog. I’m going to answer one today.

In what ways has the Word of Wisdom been a part of my life up to now?

When the missionaries taught me about the Word of Wisdom, they told me it was the easiest lesson they’d ever taught on the subject (I have to say the Law of Chastity was pretty smooth sailing as well. I mean, besides all of our stuttering and embarrassment, you know, as 18, 19 and 20 year-old single adults of the opposite sex having a discussion about sex). 

I only know one way to make iced tea and it wasn't until I moved away from Phoenix that it occurred to me there must be others, because not everyone has nearly 365-day access to the sun: you put the tea bag in a glass container, fill it with water and set it in the sun. I grew up doing this almost daily. It was part of the after-dinner clean-up to make a new pitcher of tea and set it on the stoop outside the front door. The following afternoon we’d bring it inside, almost boiling hot, and put in the fridge to chill until dinner when we poured iced tea for all the adults and water for the kids.

I could never get it close enough to my mouth to taste it, I found the scent so repulsive.

Coffee was about the same. I never had to make it, but I couldn’t, and still can’t, stand the smell of it. I did taste it once and that was enough.

As for alcohol, my parents took the position that if we were going to participate in underage drinking, they’d just as soon we did it at home.  So I was invited from a young age to take sips of my parents’ alcoholic beverages… wine coolers, beer, kahlua mixers. I didn’t care for any of it enough to want my own. and by the time they started offering hard liquor I had figured out that if the fruit-infused stuff didn't taste good, there was no way I was going to enjoy that!  And by the time I was in High School I’d decided that I wasn’t going to drink because the risk of alcoholism was too great, given my family history.

Regarding illicit drugs, I was simply never tempted.  I developed a kooky scheme once to help my Dad quit smoking by lighting up each time he lit up. But it was pretty easy to see that wasn’t the best idea and I scrapped it in favor of baptism.

Are there blessings in obedience to a law that requires little or no sacrifice or effort?  Maybe.  In temporal obedience, I suppose I have been a recipient of temporal blessings: freedom from the diseases and addictions attached to each of those substances.

Perhaps because I didn’t have to change my lifestyle, I wasn’t forced to weigh the worth of the Gospel or of revealed scripture against my favorite habits. Perhaps because I never before had given a close, in-depth examination to the “dos” of the Word of Wisdom or to the promises, it has never really been a spiritual principle for me.  It seems that the timing is right and the Lord is working in my life, right now, to prepare me to receive greater spiritual and temporal blessings.

I can’t wait to see how this unfolds.

Post: The First

In the LDS church it is traditional that when a new member moves into the ward, the Bishopric and Relief Society Presidencies come to visit and get acquainted. I had barely settled into my new home in November 2009- a 350 square foot studio apartment located above a garage in a small country town south of Portland, Oregon- when the Bishopric of my new family ward rang and asked if they could come visit me.

The awkwardness began immediately when I pulled out my two kitchen chairs (the only other seating besides my bed was a loveseat) and positioned them facing the loveseat, and invited Bishop Milne and Brother Anderrude to have a seat.  “Where are you going to sit?” Brother A. asked.

Thinking it was quite obvious but not wanting to be rude by assuming the more comfortable loveseat for myself, I said “well, I guess wherever you’re not.”  He immediately plopped down on the loveseat and stretched out his legs. Which left me standing, staring.  Was he for real? Obviously I couldn’t sit next to him! It was a loveseat; there would be no couch cushion in between us.  Did I sit next to the Bishop then? Or move the other chair to make an awkward triangle? Bishop came to the rescue, “Ben,” he said, “sit by me.”

The awkwardness continued when they inquired my age (25 at the time) and then, inevitably, why I wasn’t choosing to attend the Young Single Adult ward.  Bishop Milne offered up the excuse “is it because you feel like it’s a meat market? We hear that a lot.” That was only one of the reasons, but yes, I told them, that was surely part of it.

Less than 10 minutes after they had said their goodbyes, I received a phone call from a Brother Hardinger, at that time the Young Single Adult rep for my ward. His introduction?  “Brother Anderude called and let me know you’re new in the ward. I just wanted to invite you out to the YSA ward… don’t worry, I’m overweight too.”

Smooth, Brethren.  Real smooth.

 ~~~~~~~~~~

Being overweight has been a part of my identity since I was very young. When I was 7, my mother re-married and I ended up with two step-siblings. My step-sister was only 6 months my junior and we were in the same grade.  I likened it to the competitiveness and desire to establish separate identities that sometimes accompanies twins, without any of the natural bonding. At one time when we were very young we weighed ourselves and I was 4 lbs heavier than she. I was teased mercilessly by my stepsiblings and even my parents got in on the act.  It seems unbelievable now, that a mere four pound difference could have induced such fat shaming. It did and within a few years that difference had widened to 40 pounds.

By the time I graduated high school I was approximately 100 pounds overweight. It bothered me enough that I was constantly thinking about losing weight and day dreaming about losing weight. But on the whole it didn’t affect my activities of daily living (aside from self-imposed social restrictions) and I didn’t suffer any major, obvious health consequences… so long as I didn’t have to run!

Over the next four years I maintained my weight with two temporary drops due to diets. Then it started creeping up… and up, and up.

With a lack of nutritional knowledge and an excess of desperation for a “quick fix” I have tried so many diets which, at the root of them, were calorie-restricting but not healthy.  They all told me how I must have animal protein.  The “vegetarian” options, when they existed, were dependent upon cottage cheese and beans and/or meat imitation products.  I came to believe that in spite of my dislike of meat, I could not be a vegetarian because of the protein requirement.  Cottage cheese and beans make me gag.

A couple of years ago I stumbled upon Dr. Fuhrman’s website and became interested in his approach because it didn’t require animal protein. However I did find the greens prescription overwhelming and had a very difficult time with the raw salads, which I do not enjoy. Shortly after finding Dr. Fuhrman, I became aware of Dr. McDougall. I kept thinking that maybe I could try his diet after I got the weight off, because *everyone knew* that eating potatoes wasn’t conducive to weight loss.

Eventually, after a great deal of frustration and dissatisfaction with my initial plan I did switch over to the McDougall forums. Through a thorough reading of The China Study I became convinced that animal protein is not necessary for the human body and that dairy is likely the worst possible “food” I could choose to consume for my health.

I am addicted to cheese.

I have struggled tremendously with long-term (or even short-term) compliance to the Whole Food, Plant Based, No-Oil way of eating. My downfall is not, and has never been a home-cooked pot roast, or breakfast sausages, or scrambled eggs. Its definitely not plan old milk, which I gave up six or seven years ago due to lactose-interolerance or even yogurt, which I used to love but haven’t had in… well, I can’t remember the last time I bought Yoplait. Its not really ice cream, even though I’d punish my digestive system for the taste, sometimes. I haven’t had it in over 6 weeks. Its not meat, which I quit eating entirely this summer (I would occasionally have a fast food cheeseburger or corn dog, or eat a turkey or BLT sandwich where I had removed all except the thinnest layer of meat because the taste/texture bothered me). No, my addictions are to fast food (even sans meat), soda and candy. In other words sugar-salt-fat and the combination thereof. Oh, and cheese, cheese being the primary component of all that fast food… along with oil. And deep-fried, processed non-foods-formerly-known-as-potatoes.

So you see its not just a matter of substituting the meat loaf for lentil loaf and increasing the vegetables… for me, it’s a matter of choosing what initially comes off as ‘meh’ or worse, ‘yuck!’, to my highly over-stimulated taste buds instead of ‘super-deliciousness-that-rocks-my-world-for-two-point-three-seconds-and-then-leaves-me-in-a-brain-fog-and-takes-more-and-more-and-more-each-time-to-get-the-same-high.’  You see the dilemma?

For me, the downfall is generally at lunchtime or mid-afternoon (I would say dinner time but frankly I don’t have an established dinner time… I tend to eat a lot mid-afternoon after work and then graze and then sleep. Yeah I know, eat a lot of very calorie dense food then sleep is pretty much a prescription for blowing up like a Sumo wrestler). I can get through a healthy breakfast. But then I want SUGAR-SALT-FAT stimulation! And even though I know this intellectually, it is not what I’m thinking about in the moment that the craving hits, or in the minutes when I’m going through the drive through or scarfing down food that I barely take the time to taste even though taste is what I’m after (and ick, have you ever tried eating fast food without soda? Wake up call: most of it is disgusting!!! Probably this should be a rule of thumb: don’t eat anything you can’t enjoy without soda).

Nine days ago I received a copy of Jane Birch’s manuscript Discovering Words of Wisdom. I read it in about 3 days, finishing last Thursday.  Today is Tuesday. While I can’t say that I had the instant, lasting, no-going-back change of heart manifested through change of diet that Jane did, I will say that her manuscript affected me, and continues to affect me as I ponder on it, profoundly. This is definitely a separate post. Look for it soon.

Today I attempted to start once again. And I was 66% successful (I think that sounds nicer than “I failed”).

Breakfast was awesome! I had a small oatmeal waffle with a fresh peach. A friend gave me some fresh peaches a couple days ago and they are INCREDIBLE! If you’ve ever bitten into a rock-hard peach, you’ll appreciate the comparative succulence of a perfectly ripe, un-bruised, sweet and juicy peach. I also had a Green Smoothie (dearest readers, I am aware that not all of the plant-based docs love Green Smoothies and that many people find they are inhibitive toward weight loss. Call it my transition plan. I love them and they help me).  Today was the first time I’d made one in ages—pretty much since I gave up on Dr. Fuhrman’s Nutritarian plan.  Instead of tofu, I used a whole baked sweet potato, which slid easily out of its skin after being refrigerated overnight. To this I added two fistfuls of frozen kale, an amount of frozen tropical fruit mix (just fruit chunks) that was just smaller than the size of the sweet potato, ½ banana and soy milk (the oil-free kind).  Friends, it may have been the greenest colored smoothie I’ve ever made, but it was also the most delicious!!!  I don’t know if it was the tropical fruit blend, which I’d never done before (previously I always did strawberry/banana) or if it was the sweet potato. Either way, yum. And… about ½ veggie, not including the liquid. So that’s good, right? Right.

I went by the clock for lunch… suddenly realizing it was 12:40 and therefore past my lunch break at work today. I noted that I wasn’t particularly hungry at the time—although I could eat! ;-)  For lunch I had reheated mashed potatoes- 2 cups- mixed with green beans-1 cup. Also a handful of red grapes.  And water. The McDougall plan doesn’t require measuring. I know the measurements because I was curious how much I had made last night when I mashed the potatoes up and measured as I divided it up.  Two cups was a lot more potatoes than I thought it was! I actually couldn’t finish it, feeling rather stuffed toward the end.

And then 2:30 rolled around and I became increasingly bored. Today was a “planning day” at the preschool where I work as a Speech-Language Pathologist and Augmentative Communication Specialist. So, no kids. We had morning meetings until 11a.m. And then I did as much paperwork as I could think of and chatted with my cubicle mate and programmed an AAC system. The problem is I’m new to the preschool-SLP part of my position and I don’t really know what I’m doing yet. So the whole planning day concept felt a little wasted (although I am sure in a few weeks I'll have a mile-long list of things I wish I'd thought to accomplish today). Anyway, by 2:30 I was watching the clock. By 3:30 the idea of getting Jimmy Johns (my latest food fixation—provolone sandwhich donchaknow) had entered my mind. At 4:03 I left work and headed over. After all, it was barely 2 miles from work instead of the 7 from home. Cool, huh? Not so much.

Here is what I can tell you that’s positive:  I noticed it didn’t taste as good or give me as much of a pleasure “rush” as the first time I was introduced to this sandwich shop a week and a half ago. I noticed this last time, too.  The pleasure is decreasing although the addiction remains and my brain still expects intense pleasure from JJ’s.

Also, I felt incredibly sleepy shortly after eating.  I fell asleep sometime around 5:45 and had set an alarm for 7 p.m. so that I could have a nap and still get up and write this blog post tonight. I never heard the alarm, even though my phone was sitting right next to me on the armrest of my chair. I awoke after 9 p.m. to kitty’s insistent yowling.

This is not the first time I’ve noticed that junk food/fast food frequently puts me into a sugar coma. This is definitely the opposite of the promise in the Word of Wisdom to be able to “run and not be weary and... walk and not faint” (emphasis added).

And now its 10:30 and I’m going to post this and go back to bed because I have to go to work early tomorrow. So I can leave early. So I can go to class. Which I missed last week. Because I was asleep. Are you seeing a pattern here?

Here are some questions I’ve been starting to think about:

• How would my adherence change if my priority was living the “dos” of the Word of Wisdom rather following a specific plant-based Doctor's plan?
• In what ways has the Word of Wisdom been a part of my life up to now?
• What does it mean that the Word of Wisdom is “adapted to the capacity of the weak and the weakest of all saints”?
• Given that the blessings of heaven are predicated upon obedience to the law, and the Word of Wisdom explicitly says that it is “given for a principle with promise”, and names the following blessings:
• Run and not be weary
• Walk and not faint
• Destroying angel shall pass by [me] and not slay [me]
• Health to [my] navel and marrow to [my] bones
• Find wisdom
• [Find] great treasures of knowledge, even hidden treasures

…given those 6 (six!) incredible promised blessings, what could they mean in my life? Are these blessings I am in need of? Do I desire them? Am I storing up treasures in heaven, i.e., these types of blessings, or am I instead succumbing to worldly things like addictions?

Food for thought…pun intended.